How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids

 In Kids, Relationships


What Makes For Happy, Secure Kids?

It is pretty obvious that “security” makes for happy secure kids and in the case of separation and or divorce, their security receives rather a severe beating up. Separated and divorced parents can raise happy secure kids with good co-parenting practices in place. Children who see their parent cooperating with regards to their welfare, feel more loved and secure and this is what makes them happy – when they know that their needs come first.

Learning to Work Together

After an acrimonious divorce; which in the majority divorces are, it is not easy for parents to work together effectively or even peacefully to solve problems. Co-parenting is really, really hard when anger, resentment and hurt fuel the fires of separation, but the key to keeping feelings out of the equation is to focus on the needs of the child. This puts both parents on the same page, which is as good a place as any for cooperation. Parenting is not about the feelings or emotions of the adults involved, it is about the feelings, happiness and security of the child or children.

Keeping Feelings Separate From Behavior

Feelings and behavior are two completely different entities…yes, a divorce or separation hurts; but this does not have to dictate the way to behave. There are a million ways to get feelings out; they do not have to affect behavior which will affect the child or children. Get some counseling, join a co-parenting support group, talk to family friends, walk or talk to the dog, hamster or goldfish about it, take up a sport – archers and pin a photo of the ext to the target, but never involve the children. Also allowing your ex to see what you are feeling is no good for your own self esteem. Deal with them like you would with any other business where the means must achieve the ends. You would not go into a business meeting and expose feelings all over the boardroom table, so don’t do this with your ex when it concerns the children.

Stay Child-focused

Staying Child-focused should cool your heels, use deep breathing, relaxation or exercise as an outlet before a meeting, and always remain conscious that feelings do not dictate behavior. All issues with the ex are not relevant to the child, should never be vented in front of them or to them – even if you never lose all your resentment.

Keep a photo of your child or children with you at all times and look at this when you need something to inspire you to remain calm, and never ever use children as messengers. Learn to communicate with your ex, even if only by email, this has to be done for important decisions regarding their life, and email is non-confrontational, which makes it a fabulous communications tool. Besides, then you also have everything in writing, but try to keep things peacful. Using a child as a messenger is wrong, so wrong, as it makes them part of the conflict. Issues with an ex are not issues that involve a child except in very unusual circumstances, in which case co-parenting would more than likely not be called for.

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